April 2, 2012
I need to practice what I preach. I need to post my ideas everyday and practice them in my life. I worked with a new soponsee on Sunday and I learned some many new things about the first step. I learned that I need to apply the first step to my life everyday by looking at myself. Within myself I will see that I am powerless over my addiction and that everyday my life can become unmanageable in two ways. My life can become chaotic on the inside like it did yesterday on the inside. I was a mess, I was angry, frustrated, and anxious for no particular reason at all. When I looked around I was unorganized scatter brained and my house was a mess. That's inner and outer unmanageablity.
April 3, 2012
Today I'm seeing things a little differently. I went to my home group this morning in Lockport and listened after I shared about the awful Sunday that I had. Let me start from Sunday, which was a gloomy rainy Palm Sunday, I dragged my kids and my boyfriend kicking and screaming to church even though I didn't want to go myself. I was miserable, sad, frustrated, I wanted to stay in bed all day. I got up on the wrong side of the bed so to speak. later that day I was on my way to go return some shingles to the construction store with my boyfriend and the freakin store was closed, wonderful, I had gotten out of bed for nothing to go somewhere I didn't want to go to spend time in a truck for a silent ride to the city with my boyfriend to spend quality time together. More frustration, more anger, more just pissed off! As we were driving home I was staring out the window and I had an Ah Ha moment. Through this entire rotten day not once had I thought about smoking crack or using Heroin. It was as if the sun had come out, which it didn't but it felt like it had. I didn't feel like using and in that silent ride I turned to my boyfriend and told him, and he respond with the same feeling. We had been blessed with the obsession to use being lifted from us even during difficult times. That was when I started thinking in terms of what I had, instead of what I didn't have, my gratitude list which I write everyday in my journal. I have plenty to be grateful for even when I have a crappy day.
April 4, 2012
Well, it was an amazing day. I had a friend call me who had relapsed last night after only 7 days of recovery. She was dealing with a terrible social services case manager and a possessive boyfriend who would not leave her alone. She hit her breaking point and could not take it. The beauty part? She recognized the pattern, saw where she went wrong, pulled herself up and came to group this morning. She's learned from it and it is what the basic text calls "a jarring experience" that shakes us into a rigorous recovery program. It definitely put things into perspective for me. I am looking at things through a different way now, relapse is within anyone's reach no matter how much time we have, we have to stay in today. So, things were looking good and she spent the day with me, helped me clean and we hung out but then the fun began. My boyfriend called to flip out because I did not go and pay his phone bill in the city today which I clearly told him I would only do if I went to the city today which I did not end up doing. He then proceeded to inform me that he would not be seeing me today because of it. I was so hurt I never promised to pay the bill, I was so hurt, still am. Then I had to lay down the law with my kids. Enough of this running wild all over me. The kids are upset and said I'm acting like my sister (she had custody of them when I was on my drug binge for 4 years). All I want is them to carry an 85 average, no incompletes in gym, clean up after themselves, do the dishes and keep the bathroom clean. Apparently I'm running a boot camp. Then my boyfriend called to bitch at me again telling me that I should do him this favor after everything I have done for him, he was so mad but I have all this stuff going on at home. I do not have time for a 31 year old grown child, I want a man who can pay his bills and mine. Is that self-centerness creeping in on me again? Is my disease rearing its ugly head and my old behaviors coming out just because I have been having a bad month. I think I should look at it as my Higher Power has taught me some lessons in humility this month, I should evaluate them and assess my life.
April 5, 2012
Wow are my feelings hurt. A friend of mine is spreading roomers at the methadone clinic I attend that I am smoking crack and getting high all the time. This is retaliation because I dropped her as a sponsee recently for climbing into bed with someone dear to me that I have been close with for years and begun to date while my boyfriend and I were split up. I am going to refuse to allow this behavior to upset me. I will not let this get to me I will focus on my own recovery today and not how sick and lost she is in her non existent recovery. My focus right now is my inner and outer unmanageability. My lack of discipline and structure has caused me to have terrible inner unmanageability. I need to focus on remaining calm and consistent with my kids and the housework. I need to stay on top of their school work and continue to do so throughout the end of the school year. This approach will hopefully reduce the inner turmoil I am suffering from not having structure in the house-hold. I also want to type up the expectations I have of them and post it on the fridge. Hopefully this will help them so they can see what they have to do and when.
April 6, 2012
Today is my sister's birthday. I called her this morning and sang to her, she giggled. I am concerned about attending her birthday party this evening. I know there will be drinking and possibly drugs, I need to keep my escape plan in the front of my mind and have an escape plan which brings me to the topic I want to cover today. Escape plans, sometimes it is impossible to avoid certain functions where alcohol may be present or even drugs. When the urge strikes you and strikes you hard you need a plan to leave because people do not like to party alone and will try to get you to stay so what do you do? You need an escape plan. You need phone numbers in place, reasons why you need to leave (although I recommend the truth being the best course of action, most people will surprise you and understand). Regardless the situation you need to have an escape plan in place and talk it over with your family and friends, they will back you most of them, and they will understand and most of the will grateful that you came to them. If you feel pressured or are having urges GET OUT! Put your plan into action and get on the phone to get out of there because "one is too many and a thousand is never enough."
May 10, 2012
My friend's father's funeral is today. It has rehashed the old dreaded feelings of fear and loneliness of loosing my own father. I am going, I am scared, it is a funeral, it will be sad but I will be there for my friend. My ex-boyfriend also told me he never wants to see me again today, jackpot! That is exactly what I was shooting for. I do not want to be anywhere near him. He is using again and thinks that I do not know but I know. People's personalities change when they use but they think you do not notice. I can tell by the severe mood swings, the missing money, the fights over money. It is in the past, I want to move on now, be rid of the entire history of drug related anything. People, places and things they say, and I am really in the mood to be done with that chapter of my life. I cannot lie and say that I am not sad because I am, almost two years of my life I spent with him, some of which was on drugs but mostly I was clean. I guess he just never wanted to get clean or stay clean. Well this means a new chapter in my life, I am moving on. I began today by writing down my values and what's important to me. I am going to make small baby step changes in my days to work towards my life purpose of helping others and writing my story. Today I started by writing this, which as you can see I have not written anything in a month. Baby steps.
I already feel better just making a few changes to my daily routine. I called some supports and decided to learn about something new, Buddism. I think I have a book on it around here. Then I am going to throw out anything I have not worn or used in the past year and revive my surroundings. Minimize my clutter and make my space inviting.
May 12, 2012
Yesterday I began my 5th step in my recovery with my sponsor. I feel elated, as if some one pushed away this dark cloud from over my head that's been there for months. We have been meticulously going through my resentments and discussing this consistent theme of blame and self entitlement I have throughout my writings of step 4. I needed it so badly to relieve some of that dread I have been dragging around with me since I finished my 4th step at the end of March.
Then today I received a surprise. My ex-husband dropped my son off to spend the night for the first time since February. We had so much fun. I took both my sons to the river to swim and we had a marvelous time. Then I cooked my youngest's request, meatloaf and garlic potatoes. It's almost 1 AM and we are all still awake laughing and playing video games. This is by far the best Mother's Day I have ever had.
May 16, 2012
Last night my youngest again came to spend the night. It is like a dream come true but my love life has fallen apart. I am heart broken, the reality that he is gone and sleeping with someone else has become a reality, sunken in if you will. My heart aches and loves at the same time because with loss comes rebirth and I feel that I have be given an opportunity for spiritual growth and renewal. My children are my life-force and they are together again, a beautiful sight to see.
So farewell my lover, I will try to remember the clean gentle man that was once inside you. I wish you well, I'll pray for you.
With my good-byes written down and not sent or said I feel a burden has been lifted. When my father passed away it took a few days for his death to really "hit" me. I think that's what happened with my lover and I parting ways. It took some time before I realized, he was really gone. So today I am forcing myself to begin to change my routines, get up, get moving and accomplish some regular household chores that need attending too. I feel a clean house and an inviting bedroom will really help to speed up the healing process.
May 18, 2012
Today I need to focus on what I am grateful for in my life. I am trying to keep my life simple, unattached, uncomplicated...simple. I want to focus on the little things that will improve my life today, not tomorrow. I want to take baby steps to peace and enjoy life. I am not looking for love, I am not ready for that nor do I want to complicate my life right now with a new guy and a new relationship that can go terrible relationship.
I write everyday, clean a little everyday, do a little laundry, spend some time at a meeting or time with old friends, new friends, and my kids. As a matter of fact I need to write my gratitude list right now. Then I'm going to pump out a few pages of the novel. I'm trying not to be bitter, I'm trying to remain relaxed and peaceful these days
May 19, 2012
What a riveting day. I went to a book sale, I wrote several chapters in my new book, I feel good, motivated and inspired. It is a good day today. Doin the best I can with what I got and I feel good about that. Being on my own, alone, single is not so bad. I feel free and alive. Even though I only put together 4 or 5 chapters, I am organizing my notes and thoughts into a promising novel. but as Steven King once said those who do not have time to read do not have time to write. So I am dedicating my afternoon to reading my new used books I have aquired at the local Youngstown book sale. Life is good.
May 30, 2012
Life took a turn for the worst. I have sunk into one of my deepest depressions I have ever experienced. It could be the breakup with my ex, it could be the seasons changing but I think it is the unfinished work with my fourth step I haven't done with my sponsor. She's very busy but I finished my fourth step in March and not it is almost June and we have only covered a fourth of it. I have uncovered all of these awful traits and character defects about myself and I cannot face myself every morning. I cannot leave my room and I feel so overwhelmed with guilt for what I have done to my children and my family. the good news is I haven't used. I think it is because I am so depressed I cannot even get out of bed to go get high. I am trying something new today though. I told my kids, my sister and my mom yesterday that I'm in real trouble with this depression. I told the kids we need to pull together to keep the house clean the dishes done and laundry finished. They did it but I told them it has to cont for a week or my mother will come here every morning at 6:30am to get everyone moving. I also had each of us write a list of 10 reasons why they are lucky to have me as a mom or lucky to have me back. I also wrote a list myself. My mother had us do it. we will be reading the lists tonight.
June 5, 2012
I cannot shake this depression. My best friend killed herself on Friday. I had just started to shake the blues and I went to see her, we got in a fight and then she got in a fight with her boyfriend and killed herself. I can't deal with it. I don't have anyone like her in my life. She knew and kept all my secrets, knew about things I never told anyone. She was teaching me not to trust people so much because the talk about me behind my back. I can't get out of bed, I can't eat, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I want her back, I want to take back what horrible things i said to her. I want her to know I didn't mean it. I want her to know how much I loved her.
